I’m in a discombobulated state when it comes to Fitz’s first birthday. On one hand its this major milestone and cause for celebration. We made it a year! So, let’s throw a party for Fitz! (But really, for ourselves ;)) On the other hand its accepting that my infant is entering toddlerhood. That the foggy newborn days are behind us (Thank God!) but also OH god HOW?! Its knowing that I don’t need to pump four times a day, including in the car. I won’t be the bag lady at work, carrying the pump bag plus my laptop to every site, and rushing home to deliver milk for the nanny. The immense grounding that has come through the struggle of these new parenthood routines and the letting go of those same routines makes me feel sad.
As I watch him turn off light switches, feed himself with a spoon and dance I can’t help thinking that last year at this time he wasn’t even earth side. Can’t I freeze how it feels to have his chubby cool check against mine? At the same time, how does every phase become more entertaining than the next? How can so much development for a child and for a family happen in twelve short months?
My friend said the other day that the one year experience reminds her of Stockholm syndrome in that you have this little captor and at first your are freaked out. Then you spend all this time getting used to them and the rest of your life trying to let go of those crazy scary days that bonded you together always.
Later this week I will share the rest of my thoughts on Fitz’s first birthday, including what we are going to do for the party and how I’m going to try and not be a sappy mess.